Let me say this, I will never use a phrase such as “LA isn’t letting me be great” not because it isn’t but because I have not shot for something more than mediocre since high school. People with actual ambition are fascinating to me, because it truly does seem like a lot of work to mostly drive yourself to madness. I try to tow the line of putting *just* the minimum amount of effort necessary to not make someone else’s life worse. I used to maybe put maximum effort into my friendships, but now, I’m just aiming for reciprocation. Ever since I can remember, when I’ve been at a workshop or conference where they have you do a visual or a mapping of the “next 5 years”, I have been the asshole who says, “I don’t really believe in 5 year plans”. Baby, I’m just trying to get through today with maybe an eye to next week. I have not successfully planned a year ahead since the late 20th century.
So, let’s just say LA is not letting me be mediocre lately, and I’ve been tied up doing weird little rituals of capitalism (like finalizing my will1, something without the state getting involved I wouldn’t even care about because I’ll be dead, do want you want with my stuff and my money) while LADWP rips up the sewer on my one-way street at the glacial pace of approximately 1-inch every 6 hours while they hold my car hostage in its parking spot. I am not complaining per se (people who don’t have ambition truly have less to complain about because nothing is actually holding them back), I am just plodding through all the dumb shit of life.
Here are some other trivial things that have been on my mind in October:
Unsubscribing: I believe it should be illegal to have to confirm an unsubscribe. Honey, I have found the tiny little script in the dredges of your email and clicked on it, I didn’t make a mistake. Also, the political parties will sell your name and info TO ANYONE, and it makes me never want to donate to a candidate again. My election year kink is replying STOP to texts from unknown numbers without reading them2.
Reading Classics: Last month, I read Emma and The Portrait of a Lady, not to mention some Morrison. This month, I’m reading Wharton’s Ghosts, Jackson’s We Have Always Lived in the Castle and starting Middlemarch. George Saunders Story Club Newsletter3 did a post awhile back about the benefits of reading older literature and that community put together this list of various books dating back to antiquity that they consider relevant. We can (and should) debate the merits of representation at another time, but it’s really changed my thinking on backlist and how I approach it.
For All Mankind: I’m going to talk about Fall TV and Movies in a future Substack, but this show (there are 4 seasons currently available) has had me in its grips since I started it upon finishing (Kirkus award winner) Challenger this summer. It blends actual history with an imagined alternative history, namely, what if NASA had continued to drive innovation in the space program, even at the risk of human life. Each season leaps forward between 7-9 years so you are also watching characters age and make Life Choices (which creates some melancholia that I enjoy), but this show is not ultimately a character study but a study of what constitutes progress, dreaming and drive. Yes, there are some spectacular space drama scenes (this is billion dollar AppleTV, after all), but the episodes aren’t necessarily the most compelling on an individual basis. The themes though? Deep and thought-provoking. And the soundtrack? Impeccable. My biggest complaint is the hot people on this show deserve to be having more hot sex. (Respectfully,) I’ve only seen Joel Kinnaman’s back twice in 3 seasons and that is a true space tragedy.
Mariana Enriquez: I finally popped my Mariana cherry and read her latest collection of short stories, A Sunny Place for Shady People. These are the weird, queer and darkly witty vibes I live for in a book. I absolutely loved it, but the short story Metamorphosis on this year’s hot topic, perimenopause, was a favorite. The opening:
No one tells you, there’s no warning. It makes me furious. Your skin dries out, the fat builds up on your hips and legs and belly, the cellulite deepens from one day to the next, and the dead, gray hairs become impossible to tame. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and that makes it even worse- someone should tell you in advance that you’re going to be in the deformed, overheated, weepy minority. […] Those women must eat less cheese and meat than me, I’m sure, they can’t all be anorexic, or maybe they are, but I can’t stop eating because I get migraines and one of the triggers for my headaches is an empty stomach, because some kind of gastric acid produces that hammering in the eye that hurts even down into my neck. Maybe they can take it, could be I’m just weak; in any case I hate them and want them to die. I said as much to a friend of mine and she said don’t hate, everything comes back around, and I never saw her again and she’s not my friend anymore. Positive thinking is perverse, same as goodwill.
Friends, that captures my entire vibe more than anything can right now.
Look, we are less than 3 weeks until the US election, our bodies are in a perpetual state of decay and the world just won’t quit. May I gently suggest if you are typically someone out there trying to be great, maybe allow yourself the chance to take your foot off the gas a little? Be a part of the messy medium!
Hang in there! I am cheering for you as an evolving, trying, surviving human. xx
If you’ve ever tried to deal with the set-up/end of something from a legal perspective, you will be familiar with the absurd dance of signing a million pieces of paper in front of a notary - in my case, a stoner who works part time at the UPS store- and then having your lawyer tell you you dated something wrong and charging you $850 to do it all over again.
And please don’t get me started about the new practice of sending a photo of the politician??? America! WTF, are we doing with our lives? A Gavin Newsom selfie isn’t going to soften your prolific begging for cash.
I touted this in my last post, but it is well worth it, both on the paid and unpaid levels.
This was a gleeful read. Also thanks for linking the George Saunders substack. Been meaning to subscribe since you mentioned it!