I am very invested in being funny. I don’t know - finding the humor in life is just important to me, I guess. I was notoriously once dumped by a man (derogatory) because he found me “funnier in print and texts then in actual person” and that was in 2006, and I will never erase it from my mind despite dating dozens of men (also derogatory) in the two decades since.
Last week, I was visiting a friend in Virginia, and I made a pretty low key, niche joke spontaneously over dinner, and it truly made her lay her head down on the table in laughter, and it was possibly the happiest moment of my life, both because it was demonstrably hilarious and also, because I knew she really saw me in the joke. (It was about being a co-valedictorian in high school and how the other woman had recently sent me an email that had a signature at the bottom with something “Dr. Mary Smith, Director of World Domination and Things You Wouldn’t Understand About Curing Cancer, Princeton/Yale/Harvard Universities”, and how mine is just “Melissa Jones (she/her/hers)”.) It was a moment of feeling so seen and known, and the great delight that comes from those relationships.
Not long after that I flew to Chicago, specifically to see Eve Ewing and Hanif Abdurraqib in conversation. Eve rarely does talks outside Chicago, and I love seeing discussions with people who are real life friends. Hanif has a new book that is out TODAY - There’s Always Next Year: On Basketball and Ascension- that will undoubtedly be a little bit about basketball, but will also uncover all sorts of emotions in you that you didn’t realize were there, and I know that because I’ve read almost everything he’s ever written. He’s a soulful, deep, contemplative writer.
Eve and Hanif talked about his book and writing (they are both also poets) a little, but they covered all sorts of topics. My main takeaway was how much they truly understand and love each other. Eve is desperate to be Hanif’s spades partner again, and she gave an impassioned “presentation” about both her shortcomings and her potential that had Hanif chuckling in knowing admiration throughout it. Hanif talked about an interview he’d done where he’d mentioned a break-up and pontificated on when that had taken place to which Eve immediately chimed in, “it’s been at least a year and a half!” It’s clear they’re paying attention to each other’s lives.
As Hanif told us that he feels There’s Always Next Year is his most romantic book yet, he segued into a moment he’d had recently. He said he’d been listening to the new Ariana Grande album (he’s also a music critic), and he found himself really smiling and bopping along to a certain song. It made him so happy. And he thought, “why do I enjoy this song?” If you analyzed what he loves in his favorite music, this wouldn’t be it. Then, it came to him - his mother (who passed away when he was young) would have loved the song. It was the type of song he would have caught her humming. And suddenly, his mom was so alive to him through this.
She was known by him and through this, she remained vividly present. And what a gift, to know another deeply enough that they just bubble up within in you at the sink of a sunset or the call of a bird or the laughter of a stranger or the beat of an Ariana Grande song. Alive, pulsing, witnessed.
I am not a woman of ambition. I have no desires of notoriety or achievement. My only goal is this: to deeply know my people, a task that is not ephemeral, that will not evaporate when we physically leave each other lives, but will join this perfect cadre of the individuals who let me see them and who were seen and who I get to live forever with now. To me, there’s nothing greater we can give or receive than to simply be attentive.
At that kitchen table in Virginia, I offered up a little of myself and my friend saw it, and it is my hope that it lives with her now. An inflection of voice, a witty comment, some perspective that will rise up just when she needs it in her life. We are in our bodies doing our little tasks, but isn’t it nice to remember that we’re also living within our people? Someone thought of you today. Something drew you to mind. Is there really a better phrase in the world than, “This made me think of you” and having it resonate with truth?
Thanks for being here. I hope you soften and let yourself be seen today, and that you take a moment to recognize the magic of how alive we are in each other. Go buy Hanif’s book, you won’t be sorry. I love you. I see you.
This is extraordinary. I am forever learning from you and grateful to be in your orbit. Thank you, Thank you.
I loved reading all of this. Yes to being known, and to be appreciated, and to being connected to other people you feel you know, appreciate, and connect with. So special.